So it's official.

He's got a new girlfriend.

I'm not jealous, just confused. I'm confused about why I care so much when I don't want to be with him anyway. I don't understand the empty feeling inside my stomach and the pain crushing my heart. I'm trying to figure out why this hurts just as much as when things ended. I don't care that he's dating someone new. I care that it was so easy for him to do so while I can't even seem to picture myself with someone else. We've been broken up for as long as we were together, and every part of me is screaming 'You should be over this!', but it is so hard to forget him. I want to not care anymore. I'm sick of crying over how much he hates me for something I don't recall doing. After the break-up, we would talk every so often. But recently, nothing. I've even been blocked (I suspect) from his MSN list. Not that that should even bother me, because he hardly spoke to me on there anyway. So I purged him from my Facebook and MySpace just to prevent the inevitable stalking that would serve only to make me feel worse. I'm still waiting for the surge of empowerment I promised myself I would feel after having done so. 

I guess I just can't understand why I am so surprised and upset by this. I knew it would happen. I just wish I didn't care about him at all and could just accept the fact that he wants nothing to do with me. I know I'm not the first person to go through this and feel like I am making a huge deal out of nothing, but if anyone has some advice on how to get over him (aside from egging his car, which I've considered but not done), it would be greatly appreciated.

I need to give up, to stop trying. Because it's painfully obvious that you have already moved on and forgotten about me. I feel like it's happening all over again every time you ignore me. An unanswered text or a missed phone call leaves me sobbing. I hate this. I hate feeling so weak and dependent on you for my happiness, my sanity. I want to just say, 'Fuck you', but I know I can't do that because then you'd communicate with me even less, if that were possible.

I've spent so long trying to hate you but it's impossible. I've spent countless hours wishing I never met you, that I never let you in, but I know I don't mean it because you still mean so much to me. I've cried myself to sleep more nights than ever before, but you have no trouble sleeping. This isn't fair. You've done nothing to warrant my continued effort to maintain a friendship and keep in contact. You don't care how much I want to just talk to you. But I can't stop.

I wish I could hate you. You deserve my hatred, my anger. But I don't have any for you. I hate that you're doing this to me, but you are not your actions. I don't understand why I still feel so terrible when it was so easy for you to move on. I just want to forget that I ever knew you. I want to hate you. I need to hate you. I need you to either make an effort to be my friend, or tell me that you hate me. Because if I knew you hated me it would make it so much easier for me to hate you. It shouldn't be this hard to be friends with someone.

I hate that I can't hate you.

I hate this.